THE BALANCING ACT!

Not everything is as it seems. I try to be courageous and brave but these are the truths of our low of lows. I am NOT always an optimist! Although we pick ourselves up and move on to a better attitude-- its moment to moment!

1- Nights, terrify me. Why is it when it gets dark things are difficult?  Mr. Clark THRASHES with restless leg/neuoprathy. Laying down is difficult for him.  I'm convinced no med helps him. It just makes him delirious/ numb in his mind but very conscious of his pain! The meds either give him nightmares/hallucinations or cause sleep walking. Two nights ago, he didn't realize he unhooked his dialysis machine. at 2:00 am we started the whole set up over. One hour later I woke up with the realization he was attempting to do it again. After getting him back in bed, I crashed. Only to a  loud thud a few minutes later. Mr. Clark had got up and somehow lost his balance and fell into our clothes closet.  This is why I dislike nights!  This night was a mild night. (After this experience he's decided not to take those meds anymore. )  If I went into detail about others Mr. Clark would be sad I shared them. The result of this night- Once again peritonitis and we start the routine of antibiotics in his solution that must be a mid day exchange. This means dialysis day and night.
While this post is already L-O-N-G...
This is one of our l-o-n-g nights for the journal,
In one of Mr. C's thrashing moments he stretch his line too far, popping off the metal screw that is his connection to his insides(yes his gut). Without this screw his hose would run back into his body only to be retrieved in surgery. Needless to say we panicked! His dialysis solution (inside his gut) was spraying everywhere. Clark grabbed his 3 inch line and held it. I found an old clamp from from a solution line on got it on the hose. Then we called for help. Nurse Barb answered the emergency line. You can imagine the relief we had. Calmly she told me how to unscrew the old connection, sterilize it and try to stretch the 1/8" line over the connection and screw it back together. It was intense, but I did it. She then told me to get pliers and tighten it. It worked. We had to get on emergency antibiotics through the solution immediately. My favorite part of this adventure is that when we went into the dialysis center to have them do it right??? The nurse was amazed. She didn't have to do anything. I had done everything right and secure. A little more confidence boost. We survived yet another crisis!
2- Just trying to keep all of his stats in line is a total guessing game. If his blood pressure is high, we do a higher solution of dialysis. If he is retaining water or if he has weight gain we use a higher solution. If we use a higher solution it messes with his blood  sugar giving him sugar highs.  If his blood sugar gets too high then his dialysis isn't effective.  Using a higher solution because of High Blood pressure sometimes bringing it too low. If you know anything about too low bp. There is not much you can do. Oh wait, you can add salt to his diet which will add water, which will up his weight. Which induces high blood pressure etc and the vicious cycle starts all over again!  In this case, he can't be left alone and its important to watch him to make sure he doesn't pass out. We have  gotten courage from Mr. Clark's team of Doctors. They support us and are reassuring that we are doing everything we can and doing it the very best we can. It is still scary!
3- Food is our enemy/life saver!!!!!!!! It's like balancing the dialysis fluid. It's all about BALANCE. And it is another battle we fight. What to eat and what not to eat. Strict, no phosphorus but push the protein-Grrrrrrr
4- Balance? Oh Yes, randomly falling. I will look behind me only to see  him --S-P-L-A-T on the ground and then I wonder how I'm going to pick him up.  Or teetering through the grocery store and people staring at us like I'm helping a drunkard!
5- Keeping Mr. Clark's spirits up. This is his Gethsemane. I don't know how I would endure it if I were in the same position. I try to put myself in his shoes and then... I really admire his attitude and optimism!
6- Always feeling that something could happen at any given moment is exhausting. It is a 24 hr. feeling. It is our battle. I know that our time together may be brief. So it is a constant time of keeping courage. But honestly we both have our moments of melt downs.
7- Knowing when and when not to go to the hospital. We don't take chances any more.  It's gotten so routine that we don't often tell anyone we've been there! This is our life now.
8- When others avoid you because "we always have issues" Or they ask you but their expression states they don't really want to hear your answer.  Its just easier to not get involved. You see who is truly charitable/compassionate and yes, who are your true friends. This sounds harsh. I'm the same way. The best I can do is focus on our own circumstances, so I understand.  So it's all a BALANCE



On a positive note: I have gained confidence that I CAN do anything that is required.
 Yet again, It's all about BALANCE~